Recently, I decided to have a boyfriend. Just maybe to keep me company on WhatsApp, or maybe to have someone I could, you know, have sex with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it didn\u2019t happen the way you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s call him Richy (real name, because I know he\u2019ll never read this). He\u2019d been on my matter for a long time, asking me to be his babe or friends with benefits, but the Naija girl in me kept saying no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then one day, and it is funny how I\u2019m saying \u201cone day\u201d like I\u2019m in storytelling class with children, blessing their ears with folktales abi folklores (how do they even spell this shit? Never mind).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I joined a hackathon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
NEPA being NEPA, I swear, they\u2019ll ask for bread and be given stone. Or should I say \u201cthunder fire them\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They seized light for three straight days. My deadline was just hours away, and since I was paired with Kenyans, Omo! I\u2019m never marrying a Kenyan, mark my words. The pressure was mad. They lacked patience, cut me out of the project, but by God\u2019s grace, they later brought me back to make the pitch video using one of my AI software subscriptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, guess what I did?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I called Richy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a good man, he told me to come over. Who will say no to steady light and free internet? Abeg, the software developer in me would curse me if I said no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got to his place and pretended to be working. He ordered food for us, acting sweet. I decided to sleep over. Coochie has to be scratched and eaten well enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That was when I knew I had fucked up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His dick was so small, like a little child\u2019s. Maybe because he\u2019s fat. Sorry, Richy, not to body-shame, but damn. I wasn\u2019t going to suffer that kind of emotional damage, at least not for my sanity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Luckily, my guy knows how to please a woman with fingers and toys. He sanitized the toys. He has all the BDSM kits. I was tempted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We started with the rabbit vibrator. Damn! No man has ever taken me to heaven and back like that. I was floating, wanting more. With a dick in my G-spot, fingers on my clit, whoever invented the rabbit vibrator, God bless you. Toes curled, juice dripping, nipples hard enough to crack a kernel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He wasn\u2019t done. He brought out the rose vibrator.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn\u2019t take it anymore. I started hearing voices that weren\u2019t mine. I was crying, whimpering, and begging for more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me? Beg for more? Never. In the history of bad sex or small dick, you\u2019d never see me beg. Even when the sex is good, nah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there I was, promising to cook for Richy and everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sadly, I still didn\u2019t orgasm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You might ask how that\u2019s possible after all that. Simple: alcohol. I don\u2019t enjoy sex when I\u2019m tipsy. That night, the machines did the work, but still, no orgasm. I was frustrated, I swear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As for Richy, he just played with my nipples, touched himself, and came. I guess that\u2019s his version of sex. He\u2019s too big to be on me, so he just jerks off. Maybe I should introduce him to gym membership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve never gone back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He\u2019s a nice guy, truly. But he\u2019ll meet the girl for him, and that girl isn\u2019t me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope you enjoyed reading.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d love to hear yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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