Memoirs of a Bolt Guy: Who mess for my car?


By Victor Kwame Sampong

Weekends, I know are mostly for resting, then enjoyment and flexing follows this. As a rule, I like to work hard and play hard, but after picking four girls in my ride one Friday evening, I realised there are lots of folks, male and female alike who play harder than me.

As soon as they entered my car, one in front and three at the back, they never stopped talking, and at times, they got angry. They were on their way to a night out with men, so they started recalling their experiences the past weekend.

Sometimes, when I observe the body language of riders, I know whether to join in their discussion or stay mute. This time I joined in their discussion and the gist was indeed funny, for lack of a better word to use.

From the way the gist went, one of the girls, Denise was able to hook the others up with guys for the previous weekend.

As soon as she got the request from one of the guys who was her close friend and confidant, she promised to get three girls to complete the cycle.

In a few hours time, she filled his phone with pictures of beautiful daughters of Eve.

According to her, he even had to beg that she pauses a bit while his guys pick from the photos already sent and they eventually decided on the three girls in the car with Denise.

After the girls accepted to be escorts for the guys, numbers were sent and they familiarized themselves with each other.

On the Sunday, in question, the ladies arrived to meet the different guys and they hung out at an outdoor eatery for a sumptuous lunch plus lots of booze. After that, they all went out for an elegant event that lasted until midnight. An event that had lots of food, drinks and entertainment, before they all retired for the night.

By morning, the girls got together, after leaving the homes of the guys they had spent the night with and the complaints started. None of them was paid anything for the time out.

This was the fun part for me as I listened to them complain.

According to them, John couldn’t wait for Sunday, so he had invited Uduak three days earlier and she spent the night with him. So, it was like double whammy for John.

Chioma, who had a decent job with a Telecommunications Company hung out with Pakate, but her complaint was that she also did not get any remuneration from him. She, however, admitted that he made a promise to drop her off at work in time the next morning, which he did.

Furo said Emeka did not treat her right. She got no money from him too and for Jess, she angrily said that they did not even have sex because she asked how much she was going to be paid and Vincent told her the most bizarre thing she had heard.

The guy tell me say him be Obidient and he no dey give shishi, so he just turn the other side begin sleep.” {He told me he is a Peter Obi supporter and does not pay for any service. Then he turned in the other direction and slept off}

Her anger was that she could have spent her night somewhere else and gotten paid.

I actually did not understand the grouse of the girls as I listened to them complain. From what I understood there was no bargaining before they went to meet the guys and there was no discussion about payment, except for Jess. All their transport fares were paid for. They had enough food and drinks and all had a good time, but they wanted to be paid for the sex in the morning when there was no prior negotiation.

I actually could not understand why they were so angry, especially the one that had a decent job in the telecomms sector still going out at night to get paid for sex.

Why are you running?

It was Saturday night and everything was going according to plan. The rides were coming in thick and fast and I was executing them with surgical precision.

Then all of a sudden, I had to end my night prematurely.

I was on Woji Road in GRA when I got called in. I arrived at the pick up spot and two girls hopped in while we waited briefly for the third.

After she boarded, they said I should wait some more so their other companions can move in convoy with us. After about ten minutes, I insisted that we leave them behind since I had some more hours of work ahead of me. This was a decision we all came to regret later.

We left the others behind, heading for Alakahia, and enjoying some good music from the radio.

We got to Alakahia and as I suspected, na the bad spots for that area wey I no dey like to enter, na where dem dey direct me go. {We were headed to the spots that had really bad roads} Omo! I no gree o. {Boy! I refused to drive in} I politely declined due to the bad nature of the roads around there.

The girls complained that it was past midnight and it would be dangerous for them to walk alone to the house. Also, the house wasn’t theirs and since I refused to wait for the occupants (those in the other car we left behind), they’ll need to wait outside till their hosts arrived.

I saw reasons in their points, but didn’t budge. Instead, I volunteered to walk down the road with them on foot and save my car from the stress of navigating the poor sections of the road. They agreed, but their leader added a caveat; I’ll be paid, only upon getting to their destination.

Well, what’s the big deal na? No be just to waka reach una house? Make we dey leg am dey go na. {It was no big deal to me. After all, it was just a short walk to the destination. Let’s walk away}

And so the missionary journey started. The house wasn’t even close by. We kept on walking and walking. At some point, I regretted not using the car. At the same time, I thought maybe the girls had also conspired to punish me by making me walk longer than necessary.

After what seemed like eternity, we got very close to the house. It was then that I requested for their Bolt fare. As she was stretching her hands to give me after removing the money from her bag, two dogs appeared from the dark, few metres ahead of us.

Both beasts were barking at us. As a dog person (I dey chop 404 steady, and I live with two of them in one of my oga’s house), {I eat dog meat on a regular and my boss’ house has two dogs} I’m supposed to somehow understand their intentions and maybe anticipate their next moves. No?

The girls didn’t even give me time to study the dogs and their body movements, they panicked and took off in different directions. I didn’t wait to ask the animals the reason for
their hostility, na so me sef turn to Ese Brume, running and leaping every hurdle before me. {I metamorphosed into Ese Brume and started running}.

Oh! God save the Queen…sorry…God save me!

My people, I found myself dashing and darting into every enclosure that night. Them say, person wey don loss, every corner na road for am. {An old adage says a man who is lost sees every path as the right one} Eventually, I got to my car, entered and locked my doors, put on the AC and heaved a very huge sigh of relief.

I tried to call my passengers, but to no avail. Their registered number didn’t go through even before they boarded the vehicle. I had reached them through the app call. See wahala. All these troubles for nothing.

That’s how I counted my loss and drove back home. Maybe it was a sign for me to close for the day? Well, you win some, you lose some!

Who mess for my car? (Addendum)

Why fine girl like that go dey mess smelling mess? {Why would a pretty girl fart like this and it’s so smelly?}

Chei! She too fine abeg! {She’s too pretty}


I picked up a girl at Mile 3 and with my Air Conditioner turned on she farted, right inside my car.

I tried to endure it but could not, so in anger, I turned off the AC and wound down my windows.

The shediot still get mind ask me why I do am, I tell am sey fuel don finish. {The silly girl had the nerves to ask why I did it and I told her I had run out of petrol}


My AC wey be mortuary standard {My AC Chills very well}…na so the thing con freeze the mess and con preserve am well like soup wey dem put inside fridge. {The AC froze the fart and preserved it like soup in a freezer}

The mess {fart}became stationary.

Kai! If not for the breeze wey come to our rescue, we both would have passed out without a gas mask on.


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