Memoirs of a Bolt Guy: Na money yab man, sha

By Victor Kwame Sampong

I played a novelty game for Wazobia FM vs Treasure FM to mark the latter’s 21 years anniversary on Friday, and afterwards, I went home to rest for a few hours to get back on the road later.

My first ride that night wasn’t that far, or so I thought after looking at the pick-up point from my device. But when I called, the directions the client gave to me just dey anyhow.

It was a very messy something. I kept going round in circles till I found her. Meanwhile, if she had just done the needful, it wouldn’t be this tiring for me. I don already dey vex sef.

So, she boarded and off we went. The place she put as her destination no far; or so I thought again. Because, we got to the drop-off point as indicated on the app/map, but she still asked me to go down, take a right, go straight, turn left…haba Mana!

Na so I provoke stop for road and asked her…where you dey go madam? Because from what was inputted, you suppose don drop since.

Her excuse was that’s how she always does it and no one has complained before. Well, I told her that doesn’t make her/it right. However, if I proceed any further, I’ll need to charge her separately for that. She tried arguing but I wasn’t having any of it, and only moved on after a new deal was struck.

I got to her final destination, she pointed to one big house and asked that I honk my horn and go in. I told her politely that I don’t go into people’s houses for any reason, as a sort of personal safety measure. She went on and on about other drivers obeying her to the letter, except me.

But me sef no still gree. Big fine house like this, make I enter by 9 pm….what if dem lock gate and I no come out again? Abeg Oo! Pay me my N1,500 make I find my square root Biko.

Before I knew it, she jumped down and went straight through the gate because the gateman had already opened the small one. He then opened the big one and beckoned on me to drive in, I told him I wouldn’t. I wan dey here receive my money.

The next thing, I saw a fine older Zaddy with a towel around the lower half of his body pleading with me to come in. I stretch my neck inside first, make I see who him be. I looked around too, make I for find where I fit run climb jump fence, in case anything wan sup. I be PH boy, I no need dull. I went out first to lock my doors, pick my small screwdriver and pocket knife, and position them by my waist like John Wick or Jason Bourne would do.

Na so I jazz in, walked up to the man. I looked back to see the gate being closed again, I used one hand to reach for my weapons like a secret agent would (just in case…you grab?).

My female client was behind the man now. He asked why I was hesitant to come inside. I explained to him my concerns. However, he also tackled it from another angle. He said his wife and kids are in North America and just because he wants to catch small vibes and cruise, weda I wan expose am?

At that point, I felt for him. E no reach to cast am abi? I reasoned in his direction. He asked for my account details and sent me N10,000 instantly. He said I should come in for some drinks. I told him I don’t drink and drive, but if e too much, make dem package am for me. Sharp sharp, a bottle of wine was brought for me… everywhere don stew. I found myself apologizing for things I’ve done and things I didn’t do and those I’m yet to do. Na money yab man sha.

I walked out feeling fulfilled, got into my car and drove off better than I started the night.

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